Two days ago I got some terrible news. One of my dear friends from high school passed away unexpectedly, apparently from a massive heart attack at the age of 38. She is survived by two young children, a boy and a girl. Needless to say those who know and love her are all shocked and heartbroken. Christy and I met in 8th grade and bonded over sarcasm and softball and a friendship was born. We shared everything from sports to clothes to family vacations. She had the best self-deprecating sense of humor and taught me how to laugh at myself :) The past two days have been filled with memories, the kind that only girls who bond during adolescence can share. There is just something about that time in a girl's life that you never forget, and the friends you make then hold a special place in your heart forever. Christy was a smart-ass, never afraid to speak her mind. She was a goofball in the school hallway who turned into an athlete on the field. She was the person you could always count on for backup. She was the person I got busted with when I broke curfew, she was with me when I "borrowed" the car without permission. She went through the yearbook with me and circled all the pictures of the guys we thought were cute. She was a true friend, and though we haven't seen each other in person in a while, we still kept in touch, we still loved each other.
The thought that I'll never see my friend again breaks my heart. The thought that her children will never see her again destroys me. Knowing someone since the age of 13 and seeing them grow to love and marry and become a parent is an amazing thing. And I cannot wrap my brain around the idea that she is gone. Perhaps my being pregnant makes me extra sensitive to the whole circle of life theme, but I'm having a really hard time believing that as I'm pregnant and about to bring two new lives into the world, two young lives who are already here will never be the same. I'm so fortunate to have my mother in my life and I know many friends who have lost parents, including my husband. I can't begin to imagine what that feels like and how difficult it is at any age, let alone for a young child. So hold those you love close this holiday season, be thankful for them, tell them you love them, for none of us is guaranteed tomorrow.
I'll miss you Christy.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Meet the parents
So last night was a big night for us: Stella and Roy meeting the twins' parents for the first time! In retrospect, I would have changed the super busy day leading up to the meeting. Stella was very sweet and excited, but Roy's excitement translated into super hyperactivity :) We met at the doctor's office for our monthly ultrasound and Stella went right to them and gave them big hugs. Roy wouldn't hug, but he talked them to death about the T-Rex he brought with him. It was a lot to ask of them to be quiet and still during the ultrasound (they did try!) so Russell took them outside to play. We found out a lot of good info during this visit. BOTH babies are now presenting breech, but they are super active so I'm not too worried about them turning to the proper position; we have plenty of time left. We also found out that each baby is just about 2 lbs already, which is fantastic. The parents also shared the names of the little ones: Charlise and Nora, which I love! Super classy and elegant.
We followed up the appointment with dinner at Comfort, to introduce our new friends to a place that is a huge part of our lives. Needless to say, they loved it ;) I did have to dip out a little early with the munchkins because they had reached their limit and I had totally reached my limit with them :) Oh well, the parents got a little preview of what life will be like in the future with two kiddos. I have to say, it was a challenging night as a parent, dealing with overstimulated little ones out in two different public places; but at the same time, thats what parenting is: a challenge. Constantly. Some days are easier than others, some make you want to scream. But at the end of the day, when all is said and done, I love my kids more than anything. I wouldn't trade their craziness for anything. These are the children WE made, so like it or not, they have some of our best and worst traits :) But they are MINE and I treasure them. Sometimes you need reminders of how fortunate you are, and while my kids may have been a challenge last night, all I had to do is look at those parents awaiting the birth of their children to put that in perspective.
We followed up the appointment with dinner at Comfort, to introduce our new friends to a place that is a huge part of our lives. Needless to say, they loved it ;) I did have to dip out a little early with the munchkins because they had reached their limit and I had totally reached my limit with them :) Oh well, the parents got a little preview of what life will be like in the future with two kiddos. I have to say, it was a challenging night as a parent, dealing with overstimulated little ones out in two different public places; but at the same time, thats what parenting is: a challenge. Constantly. Some days are easier than others, some make you want to scream. But at the end of the day, when all is said and done, I love my kids more than anything. I wouldn't trade their craziness for anything. These are the children WE made, so like it or not, they have some of our best and worst traits :) But they are MINE and I treasure them. Sometimes you need reminders of how fortunate you are, and while my kids may have been a challenge last night, all I had to do is look at those parents awaiting the birth of their children to put that in perspective.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Ina May
Whenever the subject of natural childbirth comes up, you can bet there will be some controversy. Unless every single woman you associate with is of the same mindset, there are bound to be differing opinions on the topic. Most of you know I am a huge proponent of midwives, doulas and natural birth (meaning vaginally, no drugs). But you may not know the woman who inspired me and indeed has inspired women all across the world. Ina May Gaskins is known as the most famous midwife in the world, and she is one of my heroes.
Without going into too much detail, suffice it to say that in the 1970's, Ina May and her husband Stephen helped found a commune in Tennessee called "The Farm". Among other things, The Farm became a refuge for women who wanted to have their babies on their own terms, at home, without unnecessary medical interventions. There had been an increasingly alarming rise in c-sections (which still continues to be the case today) and in fact it was considered standard practice for ALL first time mothers to have a forceps delivery. ALL first time mothers, who were basically told that their children would without a doubt have brain damage if forceps were not used. I don't know if you've ever seen forceps, but they are giant metal salad tongs used to pull a baby out by the head. So women were told that practice was safer than letting nature take its course and the mother pushing the baby out on her own. Also, men were not allowed in the delivery rooms, so the fathers were not able to be there to give support to their wives and partners when they needed them the most. Ina May and her fellow Farm members rebelled against this standard of care and together they formed a group of loving, caring midwives who listened to women and delivered their babies at home in a natural setting. They continue to do so to this day. This group of women has become so respected that mothers travel from around the country, indeed, around the world, to give birth in the most loving and respectful environment that could possible be imagined to welcome children.
I know that there are times when interventions are needed in childbirth, times when those interventions help mom and baby and even save their lives. Medical science can be an amazing thing and I do NOT discount its importance. However, the USA ranks 42nd in the WORLD in terms of how often our mothers and babies survive childbirth. Other countries that we consider inferior in terms of scientific advancement consistently have better survival rates in childbirth. It goes way beyond whether labor hurts or not (it is called labor for a reason!). It goes into awful, terribly shameful losses of lives due to many factors, one of which is unnecessary interventions that snowball into dangerous scenarios for mom and baby. If you are one of the many mothers who has had a c-section, please do not think I am placing any judgement on you or saying that the birth you experienced is any less significant or miraculous than someone elses. What I am saying is that our culture has effectively brainwashed women into being afraid of labor, into not trusting their bodies, into thinking that they cannot do it without drugs and interventions and even surgery. The phrases "failure to progress", "baby too big for your pelvis", " labor has stalled", "taking too long", etc. have become words we hear and accept as scientific reasons for interventions and surgery. In response to those phrases I say "every labor has its own time frame", "my body is made to birth this baby" and "your bright lights and beeping machines have stalled my labor".
I urge you, whether you have children or not, to become educated about the culture of birth in our society. After all, as Ina May says, we were all born of women. The health and well-being of our moms and children should be of concern to everyone.
Without going into too much detail, suffice it to say that in the 1970's, Ina May and her husband Stephen helped found a commune in Tennessee called "The Farm". Among other things, The Farm became a refuge for women who wanted to have their babies on their own terms, at home, without unnecessary medical interventions. There had been an increasingly alarming rise in c-sections (which still continues to be the case today) and in fact it was considered standard practice for ALL first time mothers to have a forceps delivery. ALL first time mothers, who were basically told that their children would without a doubt have brain damage if forceps were not used. I don't know if you've ever seen forceps, but they are giant metal salad tongs used to pull a baby out by the head. So women were told that practice was safer than letting nature take its course and the mother pushing the baby out on her own. Also, men were not allowed in the delivery rooms, so the fathers were not able to be there to give support to their wives and partners when they needed them the most. Ina May and her fellow Farm members rebelled against this standard of care and together they formed a group of loving, caring midwives who listened to women and delivered their babies at home in a natural setting. They continue to do so to this day. This group of women has become so respected that mothers travel from around the country, indeed, around the world, to give birth in the most loving and respectful environment that could possible be imagined to welcome children.
I know that there are times when interventions are needed in childbirth, times when those interventions help mom and baby and even save their lives. Medical science can be an amazing thing and I do NOT discount its importance. However, the USA ranks 42nd in the WORLD in terms of how often our mothers and babies survive childbirth. Other countries that we consider inferior in terms of scientific advancement consistently have better survival rates in childbirth. It goes way beyond whether labor hurts or not (it is called labor for a reason!). It goes into awful, terribly shameful losses of lives due to many factors, one of which is unnecessary interventions that snowball into dangerous scenarios for mom and baby. If you are one of the many mothers who has had a c-section, please do not think I am placing any judgement on you or saying that the birth you experienced is any less significant or miraculous than someone elses. What I am saying is that our culture has effectively brainwashed women into being afraid of labor, into not trusting their bodies, into thinking that they cannot do it without drugs and interventions and even surgery. The phrases "failure to progress", "baby too big for your pelvis", " labor has stalled", "taking too long", etc. have become words we hear and accept as scientific reasons for interventions and surgery. In response to those phrases I say "every labor has its own time frame", "my body is made to birth this baby" and "your bright lights and beeping machines have stalled my labor".
I urge you, whether you have children or not, to become educated about the culture of birth in our society. After all, as Ina May says, we were all born of women. The health and well-being of our moms and children should be of concern to everyone.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Not mine
By far, the most frequently asked question I get about the surrogacy is "Won't it be hard for you to give them up??" I get it. I really do. Seems like a logical assumption and it is perfectly normal for someone not involved in this situation to wonder about that. We hear so much about mothers bonding with the babies in utero, how fierce the love of a mother is. And these things are true. As a mother of two, I can absolutely attest to the "mama bear" syndrome that enables most mothers to fight any and everything for the sake of their babies. That fierce protective streak seems to be an innate part of motherhood for most moms. I LOVE feeling these babies grow inside of me. I love it when they move, when they hiccup, when I get to see them in the ultrasounds. Every time I hear the heartbeats I cry. I am bonding with these babies and I love it.
There is, however, a big big difference between these babies and my Stella and Roy. They aren't mine. Let me repeat that: they aren't MINE. I didn't make them. I didn't plan with my husband to create these lives. I didn't dream and hope and pray that God would bless us with these children. They are not equal parts Chas and Russell. While they are amazing miracles, they aren't mine. I firmly believe that in order to "give them up", they would have had to have been mine in the first place. And they aren't. This couple has struggled, hoped, prayed, dreamed and suffered for these children. They are 100% NOT my children. So no, I am not going to have a hard time when they are born and don't come home with me because they will be going to the parents who have worked so hard to have them. They will be exactly where they belong. I am honored to be the "sacred vessel" (sorry, silly Juno quote :) ) that is housing these little ones, but I am looking forward to the day when I can place them in the arms of their parents. So while I appreciate the concern from clients, strangers and most importantly, family members, I'm ok with this decision I made. I didn't enter into this lightly or unaware that I wouldn't be raising these children. I'm not "giving them up", I'm giving them their start in life.
There is, however, a big big difference between these babies and my Stella and Roy. They aren't mine. Let me repeat that: they aren't MINE. I didn't make them. I didn't plan with my husband to create these lives. I didn't dream and hope and pray that God would bless us with these children. They are not equal parts Chas and Russell. While they are amazing miracles, they aren't mine. I firmly believe that in order to "give them up", they would have had to have been mine in the first place. And they aren't. This couple has struggled, hoped, prayed, dreamed and suffered for these children. They are 100% NOT my children. So no, I am not going to have a hard time when they are born and don't come home with me because they will be going to the parents who have worked so hard to have them. They will be exactly where they belong. I am honored to be the "sacred vessel" (sorry, silly Juno quote :) ) that is housing these little ones, but I am looking forward to the day when I can place them in the arms of their parents. So while I appreciate the concern from clients, strangers and most importantly, family members, I'm ok with this decision I made. I didn't enter into this lightly or unaware that I wouldn't be raising these children. I'm not "giving them up", I'm giving them their start in life.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Size does matter
I'm sure some of you mamas remember the part in pregnancy when they start measuring your belly, from top to bottom. Today was the first day that the actual tape measure was used- up til now my midwife and doctor had just been eyeballing and estimating. My midwife told me a while ago that with twins one can expect to be about 4 weeks ahead with things, including appearance. Today I read that at this stage with twins the belly measurement can be 6-8 weeks ahead of a singleton pregnancy. I'll be 24 weeks tomorrow and today I measured at 31!!! Holy frijoles Batman! I had a helluva growth spurt since last month as evidenced by that measurement and the weight gain (which I will NOT divulge :) ) But unlike my previous pregnancies where I stressed over every pound I gained, I'm not sweating it with this one. Both my midwife and my doctor say I'm growing just as I should and I really have seen a difference in this pregnancy in where I am carrying the majority of the weight. The babies seem to be taking everything that I'm ingesting! I've already blogged about the special diet for multiples that I am doing my best to follow, and despite all of the calories I'm taking in I'm actually wearing a smaller size pants than I did with Stella or Roy. I don't have the round pumpkin face yet either :) I know I have a long way to go, and I'm sure things will shift at some point, but the multiples diet really appears to be working. Only a few more weeks of taking in that many calories and then I'll be scaling back for the last trimester. Size does matter in this case- the size of the babies! We want them as fat and happy as possible!
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Myths
Since I decided to become a surrogate I've been waiting for a negative response from someone out there. Didn't know who it would be, but I was pretty sure SOMEONE would have something less than supportive to say. Fortunately (for them) if anyone has wanted to say something pessimistic, no one has said it to my face :) I am not speaking of genuine curiosity, sincere questions from people who just don't know the answers; I mean statements that immediately come off as negative. I have been so happy and pleasantly surprised with all of the outpouring of love and support I have received. And then today it happened! Not to my face, but almost as bad: to my mother. I don't think statements were actually said today, just that she told me about it today. For those of you who have not met my mom, let me just say that my feistiness came directly from her, to put it mildly. Anyone making negative comments about her only daughter is going to get an earful. That woman is 5'2" of attitude when provoked :) Damn I love her! Long story short, apparently someone has made comments to the effect that Russell and I would be "rolling in the money now" because of the surrogacy, and that some women just do this over and over again for the money. I am not sure where this person got their information from, but they are sorely mistaken. Yes, I am being compensated for this; no, we will not be wealthy. The vast majority of the money the parents are paying for this goes towards things they would be paying for if the mother were pregnant herself: lab work, medical tests, insurance, maternity clothes, doctor/hospital fees. The money I am receiving outside of those expenses mostly covers lost time from work and reimbursements for time spent doing pregnancy related appointments. In addition, we are using every penny that we are given for compensation to pay off old debt. We are not taking vacations, buying new cars, shopping or spending recklessly. Any person who thinks that this is "easy money" is completely wrong. While things have been really great for me, there is a huge level of dedication from myself and my family to make this happen. It has affected every aspect of my life. The hours spent being interviewed, analyzed, poked and prodded, quarts of blood given, shots in my ass every day for 3 months, pills taken, schedules sacrificed, uncomfortable medical procedures, hours of travel etc. truly can't be translated into a dollar amount. I am not ashamed to be receiving money for this, but let me be very clear in saying that I cannot possibly imagine anyone who would do all of this simply for the money. Will my family benefit? Absolutely. Does the couple feel like they get the better deal out of this? You bet they do. I have never claimed to be an altruistic saint; I truly believe this is a win-win situation. And no, I will not be doing this again. I believe that God prompted me to undertake this journey specifically for the couple I am working with, not to make money. Anyone who has questions is free to ask me whatever they wish, but you might want to avoid implying anything less than favorable to my mom. She will hurt you.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Honoring yourself
If you haven't figured it out by now, I am a nurturer. I am a caregiver at heart; always have been. It is a trait I seem to have inherited from my mother, as she is the most giving and caring, unselfish person I have ever known. I aspire to be like her, and while I don't believe I am there yet, there is just a part of me that cannot help taking care of others. While I do see this as a strength, it can also be a weakness. I have been known to put myself on the back burner and ignore my own needs, knowing that I can always take care of myself later :) This isn't a plea for sympathy, just a statement of fact. Ask my husband, my mother, my best friend: they know that I tend to be the one who tells myself to "suck it up Buttercup" and just deal.
The one time that I deviate from this practice is when I'm pregnant. Since my first pregnancy, I became awe-inspired by the power and capacity of a pregnant woman. Not all of us are crunchy-granola-earth mamas, but I have yet to meet a pregnant woman who wasn't at least at little amazed by what her body could do. Even during my first pregnancy when I was woefully under educated about the birth process, I felt powerful. My favorite t-shirt was "I can make humans; what is YOUR Superpower?" It was transformative. So I knew I needed to be good to myself, to honor my body during this time. I started a prenatal yoga class with Leslie Lytle at OmMama. Wow, what an education that was!!! I learned so much about my body and how to be good to it not only during pregnancy but during labor as well. Out of everything that I did while pregnant with Stella (and again with Roy) I feel like that class was the most helpful and good for me. Sure, diet, nutrition and rest are all super important, but I believe that nurturing my soul was more so.
Here I am in pregnancy #3 and where do I find myself on Monday nights?? You got it, prenatal yoga! Leslie's class didn't work with my schedule this go round because she is quite busy with her endeavors to improve the birth community in general, so I am attending 4025 Yoga with a lovely new teacher. I am the old pro in the class; all the other moms are first timers :) I get to share wisdom that was shared with me, I get to pass on experience. I get to relax and stretch out the kinks in my body and my mind. I get some "me" time. The one bit of advice I consistently give my clients and friends when they become pregnant is to find a prenatal yoga class and MAKE the time to honor themselves. I know that this class will help me to be fulfilled and prepared for the rest of this journey.
The one time that I deviate from this practice is when I'm pregnant. Since my first pregnancy, I became awe-inspired by the power and capacity of a pregnant woman. Not all of us are crunchy-granola-earth mamas, but I have yet to meet a pregnant woman who wasn't at least at little amazed by what her body could do. Even during my first pregnancy when I was woefully under educated about the birth process, I felt powerful. My favorite t-shirt was "I can make humans; what is YOUR Superpower?" It was transformative. So I knew I needed to be good to myself, to honor my body during this time. I started a prenatal yoga class with Leslie Lytle at OmMama. Wow, what an education that was!!! I learned so much about my body and how to be good to it not only during pregnancy but during labor as well. Out of everything that I did while pregnant with Stella (and again with Roy) I feel like that class was the most helpful and good for me. Sure, diet, nutrition and rest are all super important, but I believe that nurturing my soul was more so.
Here I am in pregnancy #3 and where do I find myself on Monday nights?? You got it, prenatal yoga! Leslie's class didn't work with my schedule this go round because she is quite busy with her endeavors to improve the birth community in general, so I am attending 4025 Yoga with a lovely new teacher. I am the old pro in the class; all the other moms are first timers :) I get to share wisdom that was shared with me, I get to pass on experience. I get to relax and stretch out the kinks in my body and my mind. I get some "me" time. The one bit of advice I consistently give my clients and friends when they become pregnant is to find a prenatal yoga class and MAKE the time to honor themselves. I know that this class will help me to be fulfilled and prepared for the rest of this journey.
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