Tuesday, February 12, 2013


In the days since the twins' birth, I have been overwhelmed by the amount of love and support we have received from friends and family. We have had delicious meals prepared for us, offers to help run errands, sleepovers at Nana's house and countless words of support. It has been humbling to say the least. I know we are super fortunate to have so many people who care about us and more people than I can count have followed this journey from the very beginning. My last entry for this blog is to address a specific issue that has been recurring throughout this surrogacy and has become more frequent in the last week: How I am REALLY doing with going through and entire pregnancy and not having a baby of my own.
I addressed this issue early on, reassuring everyone that I wasn't going to have a hard time at the end of this pregnancy because I wasn't actually "giving up" the babies; they weren't mine. As I stated before, I get why people would be concerned and would feel the need to ask and check on me, but I've been solid in these feelings since Day 1. "But what about the hormones???" people ask. "Won't you be super hormonal and miss having a little one to bond with???".  To be perfectly honest and blunt, NO. I do NOT miss having a newborn in my house. I love my children with every fiber of my being and every sleepless night and every breakdown and every pull-your-hair-out struggle was worth it because they are my heart. But I do not want to go through that again. It was gut-wrenchingly hard both times; I did not have "easy" babies :) Does that matter now-no, I would do it all over for them in a heartbeat. But the key phrase there is "for them"; for MY children. The twins are not my children.
My amazingly insightful midwife Nancy and I had a great conversation the day after the birth, processing the whole experience. She told me that there were some key points during the birth experience that she was watching closely to gauge my emotional state (as is her job). The first was right after the birth, when the baby nurse was putting hospital bracelets on the babies and had one for the "mother". Not knowing the scenario, she naturally reached for my wrist to put the bracelet on and I immediately said "No, no, I'm not their mother, SHE is!" and pointed to the mom, "I'm just the surrogate!" I didn't remember that until she reminded me. The second was when I had the pleasure of handing those babies, one at a time, to their parents. Nancy told me I was beaming, smiling in adoration; but not in yearning. It felt right to pass them on, it felt good. It was the moment I have been anticipating since I met the parents, the absolute joy of giving them the gift they have been working so hard for, for so many years.
Not once have I cried in sadness over the birth. Not once have I regretted my decisions. I am so, so happy to be on this end of the journey, to be done with this incredible experience. "So, REALLY, how are you doing???"  I am so very ready to focus solely on my family and all the fun, exciting things we have on the horizon. I helped someone else complete their family and now I am ready to just be with mine. While I appreciate the concern (after all, those inquiring just want me to know they care) I really hope my loved ones know me enough to know that I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. I am good. I am really, really good. I am happy.  I am blessed with amazing family and friends, and I thank you all for following me through this surrogacy.

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