Cry baby

I am a crier. I cry when I'm sad, I cry when I'm really happy. I am a sappy, sentimental person. I cried at Stella's dance recital, cried when they went to the dentist for the first time, cry in celebration of both children's birthdays every year. I cry when I look at pictures, when I reminisce, when I think of them growing up. I cried when Russell and I got married and again when we renewed our vows. I cry when I'm a jerk to my kids or my husband. I cry when I think of all the sacrifices my mom made for me. Sweet commercial on T.V.? Yep, I'm a sucker for those. My mom used to give me a hard time as a kid because there were two songs that made me cry EVERY time I heard them- and I mean just the first few notes.  (Me and Little Andy by Dolly Parton and Smoky Mountain Rain by Ronnie Milsap, in case you're curious). The thing is, I HATE crying in front of people. Despite my soft gooey inside, it is vitally important to me that I keep my hard candy shell. I prefer to deal with my shit on my own. But I feel things deeply and I always have. Its one of the many reasons I feel super connected to Stella; I sense the same thing in her. If she gets upset, her immediate response is to leave the room and go deal with it on her own. Roy is no less sensitive, he just lets it all out :)
So this time of year will find me carrying tissues around without fail. I LOVE the holiday season! Which means I'll be really happy and sappy, so I'll cry a lot :) Always have, always will. My mom once told me that when you stop believing in Santa, you stop getting presents. That struck a chord as a kid, as you can imagine. But as I've gotten older, the meaning of that statement, while still very significant, has shifted for me. Obviously it is easy to get caught up in the commercialism of the season, but for me the tangible gifts are not the important thing. I have always been blessed with a giving, loving family. Of course I loved the presents as a kid, but I loved the traditions more. Waking up at the crack of dawn (sorry mom), spending the day in my pj's at my grandmother's house, eating oyster stew, listening to Christmas music, putting up the tree; all of it was so full of joy and excitement. For me, the "believing in Santa" is about the magic of childhood, the joy of family, the love of something bigger than unwrapping presents.
Now that I'm a mom and I'm married to a man who gets just as giddy about Christmas as I do (almost), this time of year is even better. It is true that seeing the magic of the season through the eyes of a child is amazingly sweet and exciting. I have plenty of friends who are not Christian, or don't celebrate Christmas and obviously, to each her own. I'm not the person who gets offended by someone saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. I'm also not the type to quote scripture to someone else or proclaim indignantly that "Jesus is the Reason for the Season!" Everyone's beliefs are equally important; this is not the time for judgement.  My wish for everyone this season is that we all take the time to find whatever it is that is magical for us and try and pass that on to someone else. Put the cynicism on the shelf for a little while. Open your hearts, let the tears flow freely, let the love out to those around you.


P.S. Yes mom, I still cry when I hear those songs :)

Birth Plan

So it is time for me to write my birth plan. For those of you not familiar with the concept, the idea is that you write out your needs, wishes, desires and preferences for how your birth will go. Granted, no one can predict exactly how labor and delivery will go, but if you have a clear idea in your head of what you want and don't want, what you will and will not accept or settle for, things can go a lot more smoothly. I always have doula clients write one and it helps us have a framework with which to work. It can cover things like music, aromatherapy, laboring positions, religious considerations and interventions.
My last labor and delivery was about as smooth as they go, so I am basing a lot of my plan on that birth. But there are other people I have to think about in this one! The mom and dad add a whole new element to consider. And since they have never experienced a birth, I am absolutely in the role of educator for them. The mom will be in the delivery room with me (dad will be in the waiting room since neither of us are comfortable with him seeing my naked booty laboring all over the room), so she and I have to coordinate our visions. Granted, I am the one in labor, but they are her children, so I want her to be as involved as possible.
One of the big things I've discussed with the parents is delayed cord cutting. There are many benefits to not snipping the cord right away so that the babies can continue to get the nutrient rich blood from the cord in the first few minutes of their life on the outside. So while the idea that each baby will come out and go right to the mom's waiting arms is a great one, the reality is that won't really be possible with  cord still attached. That is a bit of a sensitive issue because mom and I both want babies to go to her ASAP, but we also want them to get those benefits of delayed cord cutting, which puts them on my chest before they go to her.
Also, even though mom will be in the room, my primary support person is my hubby. He is an amazing birth coach and instinctively knows what I need and want in labor. We are truly a team in life, and no where is that more apparent than in labor. He is focused, sweet and nurturing, with complete and total confidence in me and my body and what I can do. It is empowering and humbling at the same time to see how he views me in labor. (Damn I got a good one!!!) So my vision of the mom's role is more on the outside with her support and encouragement.
Lastly, the mom plans on taking hormones so that she can induce lactation. She really wants to nurse the babies and I am so glad she does. I think its amazing. Hopefully that will work out for her (it doesn't always) which means she can start nursing right away. Meanwhile, I will have to deal with a milk supply coming in that won't be used...ah well, that is a topic for another blog post.
My ideal birth will be one that is calm and focused, unmedicated. One that results in a natural, vaginal birth with little or no intervention. I am terrified of a c-section and am thinking positive thoughts that there will be no need for one. As long as one of these girls lines up properly, we will be good to go. (There are ways to help turn the babies if both are in the breech position as we get closer to the due date) To those that are shocked that I want an unmedicated birth with twins, let me remind you: they come out sequentially, not simultaneously :)
In a related issue, I was honored to be a part of a local crew of ladies that host a podcast called The Tribecast, which focuses on all things birth related. They asked me to be interviewed to tell my surrogate story and I jumped at the chance. It was an awesome experience and I am really stoked for the episode to air this week. Talking with other moms about this whole journey really brought my birth plan even more into focus for me. Shameless plug: check our their Facebook page and be ready for the episode to air Monday or Tuesday!

Sisterhood

Yesterday was my Blessingway, which I've been looking forward to for a while now. I'm not having a baby shower, since these aren't my babies :)  and I won't need any baby supplies. The Blessingway is a way for me to be surrounded by my good friends and receive their love, support and good wishes and blessings for my labor. As my friend Kelsey put it, labor is about letting go, especially for a surrogate. So my focus for this labor is to be strong physically and mentally.
Yesterday was everything I wanted it to be, minus the presence of a few ladies who were unable to make it. It was a gathering of women I love and respect, all of them wise in their own ways, sharing their hopes and wishes for me for labor. It was a sisterhood (thanks Mahri, for pointing that out). We laughed a lot, cried a little, shared funny birth stories and not-so-funny birth memories too. Each friend brought me a bead (or a few) to make a necklace for me to wear from now through labor. That necklace ties us all together so I can feel their power and presence with me during birth. What a powerful thing! A circle of women coming together for a common purpose is an amazing thing. I felt honored by the words they spoke about me and I'll be carrying those notes from them with me into the delivery room. I'm sure seeing those wishes written out will be motivating, empowering and comforting. And a few of them will make me laugh too, which is ALWAYS welcome in labor :)
I am truly blessed. I am so fortunate to have so many amazing women in my life. I felt their strength become a part of me as I made my necklace and bracelets today. The beads were so unique and diverse that one piece of jewelry couldn't possible suffice. Which is how I feel about my friends too; how incredible diverse they are!! I love them, with all my heart and soul. Thanks ladies, for making me feel loved and supported and so totally part of a sisterhood.

3rd Trimester

So here we are on the eve of Week 28 for this pregnancy. I cannot believe it. It doesn't seem like that long ago that I was waiting and wondering if the embryo transfer was going to take root :) Well take root they did, and I am so happy to be carrying two healthy, active baby girls. It is kinda crazy to feel two distinct beings moving around and kicking in there! At this point I am beginning to think more and more about the labor and delivery since it is pretty doubtful that I will carry to 40 weeks. On average twins are born at 35 weeks. Of course I am hoping and praying and doing everything I can to keep these girls in there as long as possible; 37 weeks is my personal goal :) If I go that long, that only gives me about 9 weeks left. Holy frijoles!!! With that in mind, there have been a couple of things recently that have given me pause for reflection on how blessed I have been.

Thanksgiving: This has always been a great day in our family. This year was even more so. It was such a lovely, relaxing day filled with good food and awesome memories with family and friends. My family  is really close and we find every excuse we can to spend time together. It makes me sad when I hear people complaining about the holidays and having to spend time with family. I am so fortunate to have an amazingly supportive family that I love with all my heart; I wouldn't be the person I am today without them. Family time is never an obligation for me, it is a pleasure. Sure things can get crazy and of course we aren't perfect, but I'd be a whole helluva lot worse off without them!

Good health: Pregnancy agrees with me. My biggest complaint throughout this pregnancy has been heartburn, which does suck but is absolutely manageable. That's it. I know so many woman who struggle during pregnancy with one issue or another and I've always been thankful that I didn't have those issues. I had my gestational diabetes test today which came back negative (yay!) so I can cross that one off the list too. The other health related blessing has been the health of my children and of the babies I'm carrying. Seriously, nothing scares me more than the thought of my babies being seriously ill. I know some strong mamas who have dealt with premature babies or babies with special needs. My respect and love for them knows no bounds. Being a mom is tough enough, then these amazing moms have the added pressure of  constant worry over the health of their children. Health is one of those things a lot of us take for granted and I never want to do that. I am thankful every day of my life for my strong little monkeys.

Thank you to all of those people who have been following this journey. I appreciate your feedback and the experiences you have all shared with me. Hang on, we are in the last leg of the journey!!!

Tribute

Two days ago I got some terrible news. One of my dear friends from high school passed away unexpectedly, apparently from a massive heart attack at the age of 38. She is survived by two young children, a boy and a girl. Needless to say those who know and love her are all shocked and heartbroken. Christy and I met in 8th grade and bonded over sarcasm and softball and a friendship was born. We shared everything from sports to clothes to family vacations. She had the best self-deprecating sense of humor and taught me how to laugh at myself :) The past two days have been filled with memories, the kind that only girls who bond during adolescence can share. There is just something about that time in a girl's life that you never forget, and the friends you make then hold a special place in your heart forever. Christy was a smart-ass, never afraid to speak her mind. She was a goofball in the school hallway who turned into an athlete on the field. She was the person you could always count on for backup. She was the person I got busted with when I broke curfew, she was with me when I "borrowed" the car without permission. She went through the yearbook with me and circled all the pictures of the guys we thought were cute. She was a true friend, and though we haven't seen each other in person in a while, we still kept in touch, we still loved each other.

The thought that I'll never see my friend again breaks my heart. The thought that her children will never see her again destroys me. Knowing someone since the age of 13 and seeing them grow to love and marry and become a parent is an amazing thing. And I cannot wrap my brain around the idea that she is gone. Perhaps my being pregnant makes me extra sensitive to the whole circle of life theme, but I'm having a really hard time believing that as I'm pregnant and about to bring two new lives into the world, two young lives who are already here will never be the same. I'm so fortunate to have my mother in my life and I know many friends who have lost parents, including my husband. I can't begin to imagine what that feels like and how difficult it is at any age, let alone for a young child. So hold those you love close this holiday season, be thankful for them, tell them you love them, for none of us is guaranteed tomorrow.

I'll miss you Christy.

Meet the parents

So last night was a big night for us: Stella and Roy meeting the twins' parents for the first time! In retrospect, I would have changed the super busy day leading up to the meeting. Stella was very sweet and excited, but Roy's excitement translated into super hyperactivity :)  We met at the doctor's office for our monthly ultrasound and Stella went right to them and gave them big hugs. Roy wouldn't hug, but he talked them to death about the T-Rex he brought with him. It was a lot to ask of them to be quiet and still during the ultrasound (they did try!) so Russell took them outside to play. We found out a lot of good info during this visit. BOTH babies are now presenting breech, but they are super active so I'm not too worried about them turning to the proper position; we have plenty of time left. We also found out that each baby is just about 2 lbs already, which is fantastic. The parents also shared the names of the little ones: Charlise and Nora, which I love! Super classy and elegant.
We followed up the appointment with dinner at Comfort, to introduce our new friends to a place that is a huge part of our lives. Needless to say, they loved it ;) I did have to dip out a little early with the munchkins because they had reached their limit and I had totally reached my limit with them :) Oh well, the parents got a little preview of what life will be like in the future with two kiddos. I have to say, it was a challenging night as a parent, dealing with overstimulated little ones out in two different public places; but at the same time, thats what parenting is: a challenge. Constantly. Some days are easier than others, some make you want to scream. But at the end of the day, when all is said and done, I love my kids more than anything. I wouldn't trade their craziness for anything. These are the children WE made, so like it or not, they have some of our best and worst traits :) But they are MINE and I treasure them. Sometimes you need reminders of how fortunate you are, and while my kids may have been a challenge last night, all I had to do is look at those parents awaiting the birth of their children to put that in perspective.

Ina May

Whenever the subject of natural childbirth comes up, you can bet there will be some controversy. Unless every single woman you associate with is of the same mindset, there are bound to be differing opinions on the topic. Most of you know I am a huge proponent of midwives, doulas and natural birth (meaning vaginally, no drugs).  But you may not know the woman who inspired me and indeed has inspired women all across the world. Ina May Gaskins is known as the most famous midwife in the world, and she is one of my heroes.
Without going into too much detail, suffice it to say that in the 1970's, Ina May and her husband Stephen helped found a commune in Tennessee called "The Farm". Among other things, The Farm became a refuge for women who wanted to have their babies on their own terms, at home, without unnecessary medical interventions. There had been an increasingly alarming rise in c-sections (which still continues to be the case today) and in fact it was considered standard practice for ALL first time mothers to have a forceps delivery. ALL first time mothers, who were basically told that their children would without a doubt have brain damage if forceps were not used. I don't know if you've ever seen forceps, but they are giant metal salad tongs used to pull a baby out by the head. So women were told that practice was safer than letting nature take its course and the mother pushing the baby out on her own. Also, men were not allowed in the delivery rooms, so the fathers were not able to be there to give support to their wives and partners when they needed them the most.  Ina May and her fellow Farm members rebelled against this standard of care and together they formed a group of loving, caring midwives who listened to women and delivered their babies at home in a natural setting. They continue to do so to this day. This group of women has become so respected that mothers travel from around the country, indeed, around the world, to give birth in the most loving and respectful environment that could possible be imagined to welcome children.
I know that there are times when interventions are needed in childbirth, times when those interventions help mom and baby and even save their lives. Medical science can be an amazing thing and I do NOT discount its importance. However, the USA ranks 42nd in the WORLD in terms of how often our mothers and babies survive childbirth. Other countries that we consider inferior in terms of scientific advancement consistently have better survival rates in childbirth. It goes way beyond whether labor hurts or not (it is called labor for a reason!). It goes into awful, terribly shameful losses of lives due to many factors, one of which is unnecessary interventions that snowball into dangerous scenarios for mom and baby. If you are one of the many mothers who has had a c-section, please do not think I am placing any judgement on you or saying that the birth you experienced is any less significant or miraculous than someone elses. What I am saying is that our culture has effectively brainwashed women into being afraid of labor, into not trusting their bodies, into thinking that they cannot do it without drugs and interventions and even surgery. The phrases "failure to progress", "baby too big for your pelvis", " labor has stalled", "taking too long", etc. have become words we hear and accept as scientific reasons for interventions and surgery. In response to those phrases I say "every labor has its own time frame", "my body is made to birth this baby" and "your bright lights and beeping machines have stalled my labor".
I urge you, whether you have children or not, to become educated about the culture of birth in our society. After all, as Ina May says, we were all born of women. The health and well-being of our moms and children should be of concern to everyone.